I had been ten weeks along and terrified and hopeful in equal measure. Jake had seemed pleased, almost possessive in his excitement, telling everyone his son was on the way as though biology had already signed a contract. Susan bought blue yarn to knit a blanket before we even knew the sex.
When the bleeding started, I found Susan first. Jake was at work. She stood in the bathroom doorway, staring at the blood running down my legs, and said, with chilling calm, “Sometimes the body gets rid of what it knows won’t survive.”
I begged her to take me to the ER.
She made me lie down first. “Let’s not overreact.”
Two hours later I was in an emergency room, hemorrhaging.
The pregnancy was gone.
Jake cried that night. Real tears. He held me and sobbed into my shoulder and I mistook his grief for love. Only much later did I understand that some men cry hardest over the things they think were stolen from them.
After that, Susan called me useless when she thought Jake couldn’t hear.
Jake could hear.
He just never said anything.
By midnight on the kitchen floor, I had no more illusions left to amputate. Pain had cut them away cleanly.