Every night, after Evan fell asleep on the couch with the TV still blasting, I slipped into the spare room, closed the door, and opened my online course.
Headphones on, whispering sentences I was too afraid to say aloud.
Ich kann es schaffen… I can do this.
Why German? Why hide it? I’m still not sure. It began as curiosity—a free course ad—but soon became something else:
Something that was mine. Something Evan couldn’t belittle or control. Something untouched by the ways he’d chipped pieces off of me over the past fifteen years.
When we married, Evan was charming, driven, attentive. Slowly, charm turned into criticism, drive into control, and the attentiveness evaporated. Whenever I liked something—a class, a hobby, even a new book—he always had a remark:
“Not everything has to be a project, Riley.” “Stick to something for once.” “Do you know how much I pay for everything?”
Eventually: “Don’t embarrass yourself starting things you won’t finish.”
So I stopped telling him. Stopped sharing. Stopped existing.
Except for German. German was mine.
The day everything changed started like any other Saturday. But Evan was unusually upbeat.