There’s a memory I keep circling back to now, one I hadn’t consciously thought about in years. It wasn’t a headline memory— not the kind you tell at dinner parties. It was more like a bruise under the skin. You forget it until someone presses, and then suddenly you remember exactly where it is.
Amanda’s birthday party. I was seven. She was ten, old enough to understand cruelty and still choose it. I’d been excited for weeks, the way kids get excited— counting days on fingers, planning what to wear even when you only have three acceptable outfits. Our house was loud and crowded that day, full of the smell of cake and cheap balloons. Music played too loud. Adults talked over each other. Kids ran through the hallway with sticky hands.
I remember feeling— for a moment— like I belonged to something joyful.
Amanda found me in the hallway while my mother was distracted and my father was pretending not to hear anything over the music. She stood there with that particular smile she used when she had a plan.
“Come here,” she said. “I want to show you something.”