We buried my husband on a gray November morning, under an oak tree that shed leaves on everyone but him. Caleb was sixteen, tall and angry and pretending not to cry. I remember thinking I needed to hold us both up, like a woman trying to carry two people out of a burning house with her bare hands.
The insurance payout came weeks later.
They called it a benefit, as if a check could stand in for the way Paul’s hand used to find mine under the table when life got tight, or the way he could coax a laugh out of our boy even on the worst days.
For a long time, I left the money where it was. I went to work at the diner off the highway, taking the shifts no one else wanted. Nights, weekends, holidays. I came home smelling like coffee and grease, my feet swollen, my back on fire, but there was food in the fridge and the electric stayed on, and that felt like a small miracle.
A year later, when waking up without Paul stopped feeling like a fresh accident and started feeling like a permanent condition, I bought a house.
Not a big house. Not the kind you see in glossy magazines.