I thought of calling someone, but there was no one I wanted to burden at midnight with the wreckage of my marriage. Most of our friends were really Ryan’s friends now, polished couples from his professional world who would hear his version first. My father was gone. My mother had been gone for years. The loneliness of that realization settled over me like another layer of cold.
I started the car and pulled away from the curb.
The streets blurred past in ribbons of orange streetlight and shadow. Every familiar corner of Denver looked altered, as if exile had changed the city itself. I drove with no destination, just motion, because motion was easier than stopping and admitting I did not know where I belonged.
At a red light, I laid the card on the passenger seat and glanced at it again. My father’s voice returned to me with almost unbearable clarity: If life gets darker than you can bear, use this.
A week before he died, I had squeezed his hand and promised I would keep it safe. I had not understood that he was not giving me a sentimental keepsake. He had been preparing me for a disaster he somehow knew I might one day face.